blog?

2002-11-30T01:21:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time...i've never been the same.

2002-03-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

yep, i got a job, i been at einsteins bagels for two weeks. it's tiring. but enough about the job. willy is still trying to keep things from me. fucking, why the shit does he have to lie and let a girl come between us. Great as that girl is, we have been friends way too long. And he is letting it happen, he is letting her come between us.

My soul is on fire and i need you to put out the flames. you've locked me out of my own heart and now i don't even know what i want...

2002-03-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

ok...whoever is reading this, even you willy...this is how i feel. i love her, i lover her so much. but i can't help but assume that you like her alot also...and i'm fine with that, no matter how hard it is for me. But, i'm not fine with you trying to keep things from me. You act as though your afraid i will flip out. i thought you knew me better than that. it's not like your the cause of her and i ending. i just wanna hang out like always. like the situation with laura, even though that ended, we still did things, you even brought laura and rigo along. i want that same thing now...i want us to be close. and i especially don't want a girl coming between us. if anything i want that girl to become part of the group. i hate it that you tried to hide how you feel. just keep those lines of communication wide open. thats it. thats all i have to say...

2002-03-17T00:28:00.000-08:00

tonight i went to katy's...everyone was there...even becca. it's weird how my emotions flucuate. friday i could barely contain how hurt i was. but tonight it wasn't so bad...i went to guitar center before katy's house. it was fun. i went with ariela, hayley, and michael. peh...anyway, becca still makes me feel fantastic. i don't think that will be ending anytime soon...natalie gave me a ride to katy's and picked up pictures before we got there... two were of becca and i at her house, and another was us on valentines day holding hands...she looked so beautiful. she did her hair the way i like and wore a nice dress. i love her. but love is a two edged sword...

2002-03-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

i can't take it anymore...no one has ever affected me like she has, and it's eating me up inside. I'm in love with her and it's not going away. Tonight i went to christians and she was there. i saw her lying on the bed and she looked so beautiful. i just wanted to lie down next to her and hold her. Right now i'm sitting at my house all alone, no one is here. It's dark, and i feel cold. Ususally i'd be talking to becca and telling her how i feel about her. She once told me she was falling in love with me. How does love go away so fast? i didn't say it until i meant it, and now look at me. i love her, she doesn't love me, and she can get to sleep at night. it hurts so bad. when i got home i broke down and screamed, cried, and laughed. screamed cause i can't have her anymore, cried because she doesn't feel the same, and laughed because i don't know why. her love faded in a week, mine has ceased to die. and that is truly one of the most horrible pains: loving someone who doesn't love you back...

2002-03-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

It was a very very windy day today. i feel foolish. at lunch i was just staring at her sweet face wishing so bad that i could hold her. i felt like an idiot though because she doesn't feel the same. and she never will again. People have told me she just isn't ready for a relationship. That may be, but when she is ready, it won't be with me. Ron and jessica were fighting and are now ok. I guess ron doesn't treat jessica like a princess enough and she was angry. Yet, they are still together. Jessica says i treated becca like a princess. becca obviously didn't think so. and now i doubt if i ever did. I like to think i did. I like to think i put her before anything. absolute devotion. but if that were true, why would she not want that? the only logical answer is that i didn't treat her like a princess.
She deserves so much. and if i can't deliver, than i don't deserve her. i want so badly to make her happy. i wish i could...

2002-03-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

today i went to school. i saw becca and this was the first time i wasn't allowed to feel what i used to. i brought the cd she made me to school and listened to it all day long. it's such a good cd. i kept a good attitude though...i try to. i borrowed jessica's belt. it's a nice belt, i like it. maria took my cell phone and now katie koller as it. i think soon enough i'll be over it. i'll never be over how i feel for her, but i'll have to accept what happend. acceptance is a difficult thing to grasp. very difficult.

2002-03-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

day 2 of heart break. i've never been in love before, and i've never been heart broken before. it's all new to me. I can't get her out of my head. i thought once that it was too good to be true, but i dismissed that notion quickly. but now it's true. it was too good to be true. so good...i think i'm going to get over it easily though, not because i'm gonna trick myself to believe that i deserve better. cause if anything she deserves better than me. but i'm going to get over it easily because she cared about my feelings. she cared about how i would feel and didn't want to lead me on, or perhaps go with another guy. nothing but good times with her, i have nothing to regret. many people have suggested that i should attempt to get her back. i wouldn't know how to go about doing that. and i think she has made up her mind, i don't wanna make things worse by doing something stupid. of course i'd love her affection back, but i have to accept this. for those of you who don't know becca, she is incredible: she has a wonderful smile, a heart warming glow, great smelling hair, beautiful eyes, and gives the best hugs ever. ooOOoo, the hugs...fantastic hugs. i respect her decision, although i'm tempted to try to get her back. i probly won't though...(i'm welcome to feedback, lemme' knwo what ya think i should do)

2002-03-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

ok...well today was a March 9, 2002. i will never forget this day for the rest of my life. today i woke up at 11:00. i ate some food, read a little, and watched some tv. during this time i had been waiting to go to Hayley's house. At 2:00 i did that. Ariela was there also and we played some music. After a while i went home and waited for either the phone to ring and it be her on the other line , or see her screen name show up on my moniter. I lied on my bed, listening to the wonderful music she had compiled for me on a valentine cd. my eyelids got heavier, and i slipped in that place between sleep and awake and there she was. The wonderful music was playing and she was standing there waiting for one slow dance with me. MOO! the wonderful chime i have for her on my computer rang. My heart jumped and i ran to my computer, on the screen was her instant message awaiting me. it read 'tyler...'. Now thats weird...she has never greeted me like that before, she must be mad at me for something. But it didn't bother me that she was mad at me, cause that day my heart decided that i was in love with her. i asked her if she was mad. She replied no, but she had to tell me something. the next thing that appeared on the screen was difficult. the warm feeling she gives me absolutly removed itself from my body and left nothing but cold. it was over. over. i still felt the same for her, but what i thought she felt for me, the feeling that inhabited my body was repossesed. i see other relationships around me and they are full of unhappiness and arguements. the one thing that is saving me from defeat is the fact that every second that i have spent with her not one feeling of anger or unhappiness was shared. every second since the first time i saw her absolutley beautiful face in the light of the full moon on new years eve was absolute heaven. that was my unforgettable day. it may sound lame but i just hope she is happy. all that day i had been thinking about her. actually she has never left my thoughts since the first time i looked at her 'that way'. this will be an experience for me, a lesson learned. it hurt and it wasn't easy. she came up on me like a hurricane and left with my heart. but i wouldn't trade one second i had with her for anything in the world. well, maybe to still be with her...

2002-03-09T21:09:00.000-08:00

this is just a test run, i'm not sure i got it to work yet...

2002-03-06T18:24:00.000-08:00

you do something to me, that i can't explain...