Saturday, March 16, 2002:
i can't take it anymore...no one has ever affected me like she has, and it's eating me up inside. I'm in love with her and it's not going away. Tonight i went to christians and she was there. i saw her lying on the bed and she looked so beautiful. i just wanted to lie down next to her and hold her. Right now i'm sitting at my house all alone, no one is here. It's dark, and i feel cold. Ususally i'd be talking to becca and telling her how i feel about her. She once told me she was falling in love with me. How does love go away so fast? i didn't say it until i meant it, and now look at me. i love her, she doesn't love me, and she can get to sleep at night. it hurts so bad. when i got home i broke down and screamed, cried, and laughed. screamed cause i can't have her anymore, cried because she doesn't feel the same, and laughed because i don't know why. her love faded in a week, mine has ceased to die. and that is truly one of the most horrible pains: loving someone who doesn't love you back...
Tyler // 12:05 AM
Wednesday, March 13, 2002:
It was a very very windy day today. i feel foolish. at lunch i was just staring at her sweet face wishing so bad that i could hold her. i felt like an idiot though because she doesn't feel the same. and she never will again. People have told me she just isn't ready for a relationship. That may be, but when she is ready, it won't be with me. Ron and jessica were fighting and are now ok. I guess ron doesn't treat jessica like a princess enough and she was angry. Yet, they are still together. Jessica says i treated becca like a princess. becca obviously didn't think so. and now i doubt if i ever did. I like to think i did. I like to think i put her before anything. absolute devotion. but if that were true, why would she not want that? the only logical answer is that i didn't treat her like a princess.
She deserves so much. and if i can't deliver, than i don't deserve her. i want so badly to make her happy. i wish i could...
Tyler // 10:02 PM
Monday, March 11, 2002:
today i went to school. i saw becca and this was the first time i wasn't allowed to feel what i used to. i brought the cd she made me to school and listened to it all day long. it's such a good cd. i kept a good attitude though...i try to. i borrowed jessica's belt. it's a nice belt, i like it. maria took my cell phone and now katie koller as it. i think soon enough i'll be over it. i'll never be over how i feel for her, but i'll have to accept what happend. acceptance is a difficult thing to grasp. very difficult.
Tyler // 9:59 PM
Sunday, March 10, 2002:
day 2 of heart break. i've never been in love before, and i've never been heart broken before. it's all new to me. I can't get her out of my head. i thought once that it was too good to be true, but i dismissed that notion quickly. but now it's true. it was too good to be true. so good...i think i'm going to get over it easily though, not because i'm gonna trick myself to believe that i deserve better. cause if anything she deserves better than me. but i'm going to get over it easily because she cared about my feelings. she cared about how i would feel and didn't want to lead me on, or perhaps go with another guy. nothing but good times with her, i have nothing to regret. many people have suggested that i should attempt to get her back. i wouldn't know how to go about doing that. and i think she has made up her mind, i don't wanna make things worse by doing something stupid. of course i'd love her affection back, but i have to accept this. for those of you who don't know becca, she is incredible: she has a wonderful smile, a heart warming glow, great smelling hair, beautiful eyes, and gives the best hugs ever. ooOOoo, the hugs...fantastic hugs. i respect her decision, although i'm tempted to try to get her back. i probly won't though...(i'm welcome to feedback, lemme' knwo what ya think i should do)
Tyler // 11:40 PM